COMING HOME

Jaismine was sitting near the French windows of her room. She sat on a black leather couch in her extremely dark and gloomy room. She had not switched on any lights even though it was evening. Her mother had told her not to look at the setting sun but it was the setting sun that she liked, when the sky turned in the shades of her favorite colors pink, orange, red, blue-black and then finally black. She felt as if she could spend her entire life sitting by those windows provided it would always be a sunset.

The birds were flying to their homes. Jaismine felt a piercing sensation in her chest. She was envious of the birds flying to their home.

“Do I have a home?” she wondered.

Every day she felt as if she did not belong to this world. She could not connect with anyone. There was a persistent feeling of loneliness that nagged her all the time. While her body was present there in her room, her soul was flying about the in the garden, touching leaves and fruits, swishing water at some invisible being like the disowned angel of God. Slowly, her soul to returned to her room and she felt a jerk in her neck.

She thought, “I don’t have a home. These birds are better off than me. They can fly towards the setting sun, while I have been forbidden to watch the melting sun.”

The sky had turned into the shades of blue and black. The chirping of the words had been replaced by the sounds of night. She could hear the cricket sing, it’s never ending sad song. The wind was caressing her rosy cheeks and flirting with her untied hair. Still Jaismine felt lonelier than ever before. It was getting cold and she hugged herself. Tears started to sting in her eyes and finally fell down like dew drops.

The world felt like miserable place. People were killing each other, gossiping, planning conspiracies and hurting each other. It felt as if God had forsaken not only her but the entire world. She knew her gloom would vanish in the morning when the sun would arise from the cracks of dawn. Her indecisiveness and insecurity about life pained her because there was no release for now. She knew this would pass as nothing lasts forever. The clouds of gloom would lift. She was disgusted with herself for feeling the pain that she felt.

Jaismine wanted to do something about her present state.

“I can not go on like this. I am not going to sit here and let life take its own course like some wild river. She was the mistress of body. She was God of her temple like body.”

Her body felt old even though she had seen only twenty-two springs. Her body was like a castle wrapped by huge serpent. If she let the serpent tighten its grip, the castle will be in ruins. Something out be done, she thought.

The stream of her consciousness was broken as she heard loud and heavy footsteps outside her room. She stood up and wiped her face with the back of her hand. She turned her face into a picture of complete calmness. She saw somebody enter her room with a light in his hand. She walked towards him and saw his face in the light of the lamp. It was her friend, Aditya. His face shone like a bright sun. He was grinning like a school boy as if nothing was wrong with the world and her.

“Have been crying, huh!” he said.

She looked beautiful to him even with that sad expression on her face. He held her hand and took her out of her room. Lit the fire and handed her a cup of coffee. His eyes seemed to say that this world isn't such a bad place. Obviously, he couldn't make the serpents and demons go away, but he made a silent promise of being besides her. He pulled her out of her thoughts by holding her hand tightly, yet lovingly as if to make her stay, as if to prevent her from going back to her thoughts. That day, he had taken her into the light and showed her what all blessings she had. She had a home and it was where he was. Aditya talked to her about their childhood, silly games that they played, dreams that they had dreamed together and about found and lost love. He made jokes and made her laugh till they both were rolling on the floor laughing.

Finally, she felt as if she had come home. From then on, Aditya was there for her, without imposing himself on her. She stood by him through thick and thin. They drew strength from each other like never ending reservoir of energy. He gave her time to be alone and ponder over life and its existential questions. Whenever she felt strangulated by the serpent, he would save her from her thoughts by reminding her of all the good things. She walked beside him everyday and helped him through the struggles of life. Although he was very normal guy, he was her knight in shining armor and although she was tortured soul, she was the princess of his heart.

SALVATION

The body I am residing in presently has been making me uncomfortable. I don’t feel like being in it anymore. There is a battle going on between the mind and heart. The heart wants me to finish off everything. It wants me to leave the body and the mind wants me to stay and fight.

This body is not such a nice place as it used to be. There is no peace in it. There was a time when I had felt proud of it but now there is a constant pain. I feel tired and there is an ongoing argument between heart and mind. The heart seemed to be winning, which meant I would be free to leave this body soon. The idea of leaving the body didn't seem to be bad at all. The mind which had been so strong and dominating was losing its stand. It seemed as if it had given up, as if it too was tired of fighting and wanted me to be at peace.

The mind and heart got together and made a plan for me to escape this hollow body. I didn't feel any love or remorse for this lifeless body which had ceased to feel anything. The idea of bright red oozing liquid was starting to give me a high. I anxiously waited for the day when the plan would be put into action and I would be released from the suffering.

The plan was quite simple. A revolver was to be obtained from dad’s cupboard and we i.e. soul, heart and mind would wait till it was dark, when everything would be silent. When no humans would disturb us and the voices of nature would call me to join the universal spirit, I would be free. I would be free to fly about, do whatever I want to. I would not be bound by empty rituals and customs of this equally empty world. Maybe I would even find another body when I have recovered from the wounds given to me by this one.

Finally, the revolver was stolen. The body didn't seem to be aware of anything. It didn't care about what was going to happen to it. It didn't seem to mind the thoughts of blood and pain. Probably, it had dies long ago. It was just an empty shell. I was going to leave it bleeding cold soon.

I put the revolver’s mouth to the temple and without single emotion, I shot it. In a split second I was out of it. There was a huge pool of blood around the body. The face had got distorted. There were two holes on each side of the head. I sighed….. At least I was free. I felt as if my stay in this body had been uneventful. Few experiences had made me weak and gave me suffering.

I wanted to leave the place and go but I couldn't  I had to wait for the last rites. When the body was found by the parents, they were shattered. They cried and howled. There sorrow knew no bounds. It was too much for me to see and bear. I wondered why they were crying for that useless piece of blood drenched meat.

Crowds after crowds poured inside the house to give their condolences and to express grief. I was surprised to see that this creature was loved and wanted. I realized how many people wanted it to be alive. For a split second, I thought of going back inside the body and ending their misery. But the idea of going inside that distorted thing seemed to repulse me. I couldn't have gone inside the body even if I wanted to.  It was too late for that. People kept crying for days. They wondered where had they gone wrong and if they could have prevented me from leaving this body. The whole business of leaving the body started to seem wrong. I felt like crying too but I couldn't  I didn't have the ability to show human emotions. I longed to be out of the place. The atmosphere in the house was starting to make me feel guilty.

Finally, the last rites finished and I could leave. I was free to join the heavens and the spirits. I walked to the heaven’s door. It was all white and beautiful. It was pure. It lacked the selfishness, greed and hunger of earth that I had to bear in so many years of exile. Then, something happened, which I had not fathomed before coming out of the body. The doors of heaven were locked on me. It was done so because I had gone against the command of God. I didn't make a fruitful use of my life. I had thrown away the gift of life in a trash. I had made no contributions to my life or to that of others.

Now that I was not allowed into heavens, I went back to the house that I had called home. It was unbearable when I realized that I had been loved by my family. They needed me in their life when I had pushed them away. I had allowed the selfish heart to win the battle. I knew now that the heart had made a wrong decision. I decided to fly around the place. Yes, flying was easy. One can keep doing it for a while. But for how long can a soul fly about.

As the time passed, the desire to go back into a body kept creeping in. everyday that desire grew stronger and then one day I wanted it more than anything else. I knew to enter a body I need to clear my debts. I would have to be punished for my sins. I felt rejected by the Mother Earth and the heavens. Then I decided to go to Hell. Probably they would accept me.

Without fear, I walked to doors of hell. It was very hot and black. I could hear the shouts of souls burning in the fire of their sins. No peace was to be found. I did not lose my courage and went ahead. But here too, I was rejected. I had died 40 years before my time and my sins were not so grave as to burn me in hell. They asked me to leave.

I couldn't have a rebirth. I was doomed to haunt my house till I was called. Each day I suffered when my family and friends suffered. I was there when they died. I was made to bear their deaths. Their souls couldn't meet me because they went to heaven right away. I yearned for companionship. I was lonely and tired of waiting. After forty years of waiting, I was called to take birth again………..

I had not escaped the bindings of human life that I wanted to when I had decided to leave the body. I bore each and everything pain and joy……………..